Gwar + Cancer Bats + X-Cops @ Beanfield Theatre

Have you seen Gwar do it all on stage, but wondered what else could they do? Well, have you ever seen Gwar play with themselves on stage? Well, that’s exactly what they did on this night, they opened for themselves! 

Openers X-Cops was essentially Gwar dressed up as cops instead of aliens, adding the word “police” before their usual “brutality.” It was a fun show full of skits, as you’d imagine. The boys in blue brought out an inmate in an orange jumper and did several things that shouldn’t be discussed in polite society, but luckily, this is a Gwar show, not polite society, so we can discuss. Several batons and handcuffs were applied in very uncomfortable ways as the crowd cheered. This was a really fun set for an obscure side project that had been shelved for nearly 30 years. 

There is only one other band I’ve ever witnessed open for themselves, and oddly enough, they were up next. Cancer Bats have toured with their alter egos, Bat Sabbath, on a few occasions. Honestly, they should’ve thrown in a Bat Sabbath set and just called this the intergalactic schizophrenia tour!

Cancer Bats are living proof that metal can be fun. The growler-in-chief, Liam Cormier, steps on stage with the most infectious smile in the heavy world, dancing like he’s skipping through a field of black daisies; you know you’re in for a good time. The opening song, “Bricks and Mortar,” already had the crowd chanting the chorus at the top of their lungs. 

The band were given a solid 50 minutes, dashing through their entire catalog. They particularly hit hard at the end with their cover of the Beastie Boys classic, “Sabotage” and “Hail Destroyer.” The mosh pit expanded to the very back of the floor. This was an opener with main event energy. 

(Okay, next paragraph the Gwar set starts, I have two comments to slip in first. The first being it’s sad that we need posters now everywhere warning the crowd that they will be sprayed and “don’t worry, it washes out,” just let the virgins figure it out the hard way like the rest of us did. Secondly, Gwar are veterans, they’re tight, they rock hard, this is pretty much all I’ll say about the music, cause let’s face it, you’re not reading this because of the music.)

And it was finally time for our intergalactic overlords to hit the stage with all the pageantry of conquering pussbags lording over their subjugated masses. They immediately made their contempt for us and the general odour of the crowd apparent, you know, to keep us in line. 

It took only one song for the Bonesnapper, a rejected character from the early 90s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, and a human in a leather tactical g-string to appear, apparently looking to collect a bounty on new guitarist Grodius Maximumus. Still, the band insisted that it was old guitarist Pustulus Maximus. The two ended up fighting over it, which led to Bonesnapper having his hands chainsawed off, which led to the first crowd soaking as blood spurted halfway to the back.  

If you think Gwar is just theatrics and nothing political, well, you’re dead wrong. After “Hail Genocide!” a zombie puppet child appeared on stage wearing a Star of David t-shirt. When the band asked who was responsible for killing this child, someone in a Benjamin Netanyahu head came out and said he would kill everyone here.  Blothar then told him he’d created a sad world where a child is safer on stage with Gwar than in his own home. Bonesnapper then came out and beheaded Netanyahu, whose neck hole obviously sprayed fountains of blood onto the crowd. 

The sound of a fly played over the speakers, and the band hunted down the bug, with Blothar squishing it as a tiny voice said, “Help me.” During the next song the stage was infested by some insect creature that looked like a cross between The Tick and Frank, the rabbit from Donnie Darko. It was the architect of the tiny fly’s revenge. It swatted at the band as they were trying to play until Bonesnapper reappeared with the g-string human. They did battle, which led to a dance battle (obviously). Eventually, as you might guess, the giant bug was gutted, which sprayed blood all over the crowd. 

After the guts were cleared from the stage, they asked for a volunteer to come on stage to be sacrificed. A young human enthusiastically jumped on stage, and after a brief “getting to know our victim,” they were brought in the back to complete the ritual. They then welcomed the fan back as they wheeled out a zombified “fan” puppet on a torture rack, which they proceeded to undress and disembowel, including its 36-inch member, which ended up inside various orifices of various band members. 

Next was Joe Biden’s turn to come out on stage, although he wasn’t sure where he was or why he was there. To the shock of none, he was beheaded and soaked the crowd in blood.

The band kept having fun with the guitarist’s identity until they finally realized he wasn’t Pustulus and exclaimed, “Wait, Gwar has a new guitarist?” This enraged vocalist Blothar, who went backstage and came back as a giant mutant puppet. Our dad-in-G-string friend proceeded to skin and eventually dismember this Blothar, again, in blood, to get regular Blothar back. 

The band left us with “Fuck This Place”, which required audience participation of chanting the song’s title over and over, whipping them into a frenzy. 

I then woke up on my couch, unsure if I’d gone to a concert and blacked out or I’d never left the house and had accidentally had an acid trip? Did all of this reallly happen? Is this blood on my shirt mine, or just prop blood? If anyone saw me there, please confirm that you saw me and that this was real. That’d be greatly appreciated. 

Review – Richard Brunette
Photos – Ryan Rumpel

Share this :
FacebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmailFacebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail