Hi dear reader, Rich here. If you came here for Montreal Rocks’ usual top quality review of this show, well, this isn’t it. Here’s the deal, both of our headliners played shows I’ve already reviewed. Yeah, despite the move up to the Bell Centre, both Amon Amarth and Dethklok gave us the same show I’ve already reviewed, those reviews are on the site and still apply. Amon Amarth had the same stage, same decorations, same beats as their Place Bell show a year ago. Dethklok still had the musicians in the shadows and played the same videos they played at the MTelus show years ago, while strangely omitting the appearance from Doctor Rockso, who is probably the best part. Seriously, I saw at least 5 Doctor Rocksos in the crowd. So instead of just repeating myself, I give to you:
Bedtime stories for Metalheads
Chapter 1 – Castle Rat
Somewhere in time, in mother of metal’s wood-panelled basement, four twelve-year-old boys, let’s call them Dio, Ozzy, Lemmy and Bruce, sit around a table, notepads and 20-sided die before them. Satan himself is the dungeon master.
Their raiding party, consisting of the Rat Queen, the Druid, the Count and Plague Doctor, leap out from the boys’ minds with a 15 foot rat to play a set that would go off face-melting classic metal. Satan summoned the Rat Reaperess to take them out, but on this day, they, and metal prevailed. This was pretty much Castle Rat’s opening set in epic glory.
Chapter 2 – Amon Amarth
Norway. 912 A.D.
The ship’s crew thirsted for Saxon blood, but on this day, Njord was angry and the sea had set the ship off course. Turned around, you are no longer sure which way lay conquest or which way was home. There was heard a sound, soaring, the Raven’s Flight would guide the heading to glory.
Njord was angered that 5 puny 6’5″ mortal captains, with a mere combined beard length of 1.6 metres had saved the ship. One of them was unbearded, like some sort of Frank. So he sent his daughter Freyja to attack, but she was met with a Shield Wall. If they wouldn’t taste Saxon blood on this day, the blood of a God would do, this crew Live For the Kill.
Unable to break through, Freyja attacked the guiding birds and they were forced to Cry For the Black Birds.
Unable to break through, Freyja summoned Fafnir and proclaimed there would be Death in Fire. The crew formed a circle pit to attempt to create a vortex to gust the flames away, but as the mighty dragon approached, it suddenly turned into a man with giant golden curly horns protruding from his forehead. Freyja had fallen victim to Loke’s Treachery.
This was the ship’s opening to escape, the captain screamed Put Your Back Into the Oar, We Rule the Waves. The mosh pit obliged, sitting at stations and rowing as only a viking can.
Once a little distance was established, they were able to set up the archers. They slowed to let Freyja approach and unleashed One Thousand Burning Arrows. The spectacle was so impressive that the Allfather himself took notice. Seeing the battle, he sent his son Thor to defend the ship, unleashing a War of the Gods.
A mighty bolt struck Freyja, sending her back to her father at the bottom of the sea. The captain saluted the storm God and commanded his crew to Raise Your Horns in tribute.
Thor raised Mjolnir and proclaimed it was time for Saxons and Vikings to meet. He raised a wind into the sails to hasten their glory.
The captain proclaimed every ounce of blood they spilled would be in honour of The Twilight of the Thunder God.
Odin was pleased, the mortals had done well.
Chapter 3 – Dethklok
Army of the Doomstar assemble! The word had been put out. The Tribunal had reassembled with plans of world domination, obviously. They plotted to take advantage of the hiatus of the world’s most powerful musical entity.
The world had only one hope. Well five hopes, but they became one. Nathan Explosion, Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Toki Wartooth, William Murderface and Pickles, collectively known as Dethklok, the world’s seventh largest economy.
If they are to appear, it always starts with Deththeme, it’s like a rule. And so it was.
There was no time to stand on ceremony, they quickly proceeded to Awaken Mustakrakish, the beast of legend. I mean, is it even metal without a 30-foot-tall beast of legend?
They then unleashed the electric part of electric guitars and doubters were Bloodtrocuted. You obviously can’t summon the destructive power of electricity without invoking its cousin fire and Burn the Earth.
The revelers rejoiced as their Bloodlines were submitted to Aortic Desecration. Luckily most of the people survived. Not to jinx it, but this may be the furthest Dethklok got into a set without a crowd fatality.
The crowd then fell silent for a special message from the Church of the Black Klok celebrating the anniversary of the most popular band in the universe. A sentimental montage of their most brutal moments drew cheers from the Dethfans.
Our dark emissaries of the extreme arts of metal brutality then showed the crowd the lighter side of worshipping Satan as loudly as possible with Birthday Dethday, Dethsupport and drew the biggest cheer of the night with the line “Do you folks like coffee? Real coffee, from the hills of Colombia.” The reaction indicated that they did indeed like coffee.
Our good friend Facebones then made an appearance to give us all tips for good concert etiquette. Midway through though, some drugs he’d taken earlier seemed to kick in and he went into a feverish rant.
We then took a break from our regular dark ceremonies to escape into the land of superheroes with Face Fisted. Believe it or not, looking out into the crowd, despite being very animated, I didn’t see a single comply and punch a friend in the face. Metal fans appeared to be getting soft.
Before we departed, there obviously had to be a section for all the fish in the crowd. I assume they were in the loges, because there were none in my section, but we obviously had to include them. They swam home happy to Mermaider and Go Into the Water. Fish headbanging is an elegant and underappreciated art, especially the deep sea Pacific blackdragon, the most metal of all fishes. After a night of worshipping Lucifer, it is important to acknowledge Leviathan, the dark lord of the seas.
Review – Richard Brunette
Photos – Ryan Rumpel
